In August I came here to this site in tears only hours after breaking
off a 4-year relationship with a POA (person of addiction). During
my entire 30 years of marriage I had POA's on the side off and
on. It was mostly intense emotional connections. As the disease
progressed it moved into the physical realm to a small degree.
I never slept with any POA. That was not what it was about. It
was about emotions, intimacy, closeness. Those aren't bad things,
but the type I am referring is was the delusional kind filled
with illusion and fantasy. My ability to tell what was real and
what was not real was greatly diminished.
ending my relationship with my last POA, I found this site and
started posting and reading. It saved me. It helped me so much
to know I wasn't alone. There were certain individuals on this
site, in particular, that had a lifesaving influence on me. I
will be eternally grateful. And will always consider them friends.
As I went through the steps I spent a lot of time on each question
and pondered. The step sponsor was terrific.
time the obsessions became less. Soon I had no feelings whatsoever
for my POA. My relationship with my wife improved tremendously.
I was able to talk openly with her about my past. There is nothing
in my life right now that she doesn't know. And it brings peace
to my soul. I have worked my way all the way through the steps
at least one time now. The confession part was the most humbling,
but paid the biggest dividends. Now I am ready to serve others.
recovery I have been tested several times. I may start to fall
into a trap but my awareness now allows me to know how to turn
off the obsessive impulses. Yes, i can have a regular life now,
with friends of all kinds, men and women, and be able to see things
the way they really are. I know how to put up boundaries, and
yet be able to share my innermost feelings with others through
music and word. I do realize, however, that some of you might
not be in the same safe place.
most of all, I know who I am now. I am a son of God. A being of
light. I am a husband and a father. I no longer need to sludge
around in the darkness of illusion, fantasy, anxiety and pain.
Those are things i have left behind. But only a constant awareness
and remembering who I am will keep them at bay.
is possible. Everyone must know that. The concept of recovery
is not just another fantasy. It is real. And it is something that
you can achieve. Now is the time to stop judging people by what
they have been in the past. Instead, celebrate their deliverance
out of from the abyss of obsession and compulsive behavior. A
love addict can again see the light of reality, peace, and true
love. When I look at my wife now I see my eternal companion. There
is no one else. If someone else feels I'm into them right now,
they are living a fantasy! This recovery has changed my life.
It will never be the same. And the names of all those on this
site that have helped me along the way will be branded on my soul
forever. I do consider you ALL my friends, regardless of what
you think of me.
wife is the love of my life. My family is precious to me. God
is guiding me now.
my next goal is to do things that I have procrastinated doing
in the past because of my disease. I need to put aside my self
doubt. I can believe in myself now. I can stop being afraid to
share my music. I've written so much music. A lot of it I've only
shared with my wife, and a few close friends. I didn't trust anyone
else. That was always a frightening leap of faith for me. It needs
to come out of my dresser drawer and be shared. There is some
music I have published, and I have performed a lot. But it is
only a fraction of what I could have achieved. I have always been
afraid. So I need to stop being afraid to reach out to other creative
people. My wife has always encouraged me to do so. And I need
to not be afraid to take on the risk of big project (like a movie
score). I could have accomplished so much more if I had not had
this affliction. I didn't have any self confidence. Now I know
who I am. And I'm going to reach out. Ending the love addiction
is only the start. Now is the time to do all the things that a
complete person does. I love you all. Thank you.
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