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LAA
Love Addicts Anonymous

A Safe Place

I In August I came here to this site in tears only hours after breaking off a 4-year relationship with a POA (person of addiction). During my entire 30 years of marriage I had POA's on the side off and on. It was mostly intense emotional connections. As the disease progressed it moved into the physical realm to a small degree. I never slept with any POA. That was not what it was about. It was about emotions, intimacy, closeness. Those aren't bad things, but the type I am referring is was the delusional kind filled with illusion and fantasy. My ability to tell what was real and what was not real was greatly diminished.

After ending my relationship with my last POA, I found this site and started posting and reading. It saved me. It helped me so much to know I wasn't alone. There were certain individuals on this site, in particular, that had a lifesaving influence on me. I will be eternally grateful. And will always consider them friends. As I went through the steps I spent a lot of time on each question and pondered. The step sponsor was terrific.

Over time the obsessions became less. Soon I had no feelings whatsoever for my POA. My relationship with my wife improved tremendously. I was able to talk openly with her about my past. There is nothing in my life right now that she doesn't know. And it brings peace to my soul. I have worked my way all the way through the steps at least one time now. The confession part was the most humbling, but paid the biggest dividends. Now I am ready to serve others.

During recovery I have been tested several times. I may start to fall into a trap but my awareness now allows me to know how to turn off the obsessive impulses. Yes, i can have a regular life now, with friends of all kinds, men and women, and be able to see things the way they really are. I know how to put up boundaries, and yet be able to share my innermost feelings with others through music and word. I do realize, however, that some of you might not be in the same safe place.

And most of all, I know who I am now. I am a son of God. A being of light. I am a husband and a father. I no longer need to sludge around in the darkness of illusion, fantasy, anxiety and pain. Those are things i have left behind. But only a constant awareness and remembering who I am will keep them at bay.

Recovery is possible. Everyone must know that. The concept of recovery is not just another fantasy. It is real. And it is something that you can achieve. Now is the time to stop judging people by what they have been in the past. Instead, celebrate their deliverance out of from the abyss of obsession and compulsive behavior. A love addict can again see the light of reality, peace, and true love. When I look at my wife now I see my eternal companion. There is no one else. If someone else feels I'm into them right now, they are living a fantasy! This recovery has changed my life. It will never be the same. And the names of all those on this site that have helped me along the way will be branded on my soul forever. I do consider you ALL my friends, regardless of what you think of me.

My wife is the love of my life. My family is precious to me. God is guiding me now.

Now my next goal is to do things that I have procrastinated doing in the past because of my disease. I need to put aside my self doubt. I can believe in myself now. I can stop being afraid to share my music. I've written so much music. A lot of it I've only shared with my wife, and a few close friends. I didn't trust anyone else. That was always a frightening leap of faith for me. It needs to come out of my dresser drawer and be shared. There is some music I have published, and I have performed a lot. But it is only a fraction of what I could have achieved. I have always been afraid. So I need to stop being afraid to reach out to other creative people. My wife has always encouraged me to do so. And I need to not be afraid to take on the risk of big project (like a movie score). I could have accomplished so much more if I had not had this affliction. I didn't have any self confidence. Now I know who I am. And I'm going to reach out. Ending the love addiction is only the start. Now is the time to do all the things that a complete person does. I love you all. Thank you.

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© Love Addicts Anonymous, 2004