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LAA
Love Addicts Anonymous

I Am Not Alone

I've probably been a love addict since my childhood. Since I've been working the LAA program, I've had the opportunity to look back at my past relationships and see that I was addicted to all of them in one way or another. Today I'm not in a "love" relationship, I'm working on changing me, my core issues, so that if my Higher Power chooses to allow me to have another relationship I will be healthy. I'm getting healthier. . . but it has taken a lot of work to get there.

It had been several months since K and I had broken up. It was my first relationship after my divorce. I had several years in another program and thought I was ready for another love. I gave myself totally to him, he told me he loved me, that he was super committed, and that I was beautiful. All those words melted my heart, and I opened myself up. I'll give more detail on that later, but after a while, he got bored and let me go. I was absolutely devasted. I tried All I could think of to get over it. Every day, every minute I was thinking about K. I told my OA sponsor that I was thinking about him like this. She said, R..., this is not love, this is obessession. Of course I was angered, but that moment had me break down, streams of tears came down my cheeks, I got on my knees, and admitted that I didn't know how to love and that's when I got here.

My first love was M. It was a jr. high relationship. I wanted to kiss, he didn't. I couldn't figure out why he didn't want to kiss. . . years later I found out he was gay. But even after we broke up and I was only 15 years old, I fantasized that we would get back together. I thought of him all the time. It took months for me to get over, and I was only 15.

Next came another M. He and I met in a theater group. He was nothing like me, however showe me affection. Almost anyone who showed me affection had me fall in love with them. M got a part in a movie and went to London England to film. We had a long distance phone relationship, and while he was there, decided he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I was devasted again, and couldn't get over it.

Next came W. W asked me to be his women only after one date. I accepted. Soon he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. Instead of getting devasted, I broke up with him to protect myself.

Next came V. V and I married. We had nothing in common. He as a fantasy for me, and made me feel important. I was rich girl, he was poor, bad boy and it was just like the movies. . . sort of. He told me all I wanted to hear, but needed a green card to live legally here in the U.S. Afraid of being alone, I married him. It lasted 17 years, but I had three afairs in the midst. I even temporarily left V for a married man, thinking the married man would leave his wife and make me his own. That never happened. V and I had three kids. After our youngest turned 5, addictions took over and we divorced. Very painful.

Next came J. J showed up at my door wanting to know if his daughter could have my daughter spend the night over at his house so she would have a friend to play with. He mentioned that he was a widower and I thought, single. Go for it. And I invited him to a valentines party. He called me a few hours before the party and cancelled on me. Once in a while he would call or take me out, but he was more interested in my daughters than me....he may have molested one of them. She doesn't remember, as he spiked the punch at a party and my daughter woke up, confused. It has taken a year of therapy for her to work through it. I was "drunk" on him, and couldn't see the warning signs.

Next was K. The most painful break up I endured. It was our break up that led me here, and I started seeing my part, and why I am addicted to love.

I learned here that I am not alone. I started writing on the steps. I got into step 4 and learned so much about my part. I didn't get the emotional support I needed from a man growing up. My dad is an alcoholic, and very logical. I needed love and hugs and talks. While my dad provided physical needs, he was incapbable of giving emotional needs. I searched for them in men. I never learned about compatibility. I watched movies, and Hollywood educated me on how relationships work. I had and still have a lot of changes to make. I picked up a sponsor here. She gets me. We talk about once a week and talk about life, self esteem, and very intimate personal issues.

Today I am much healthier. I have done a lot of work on my self esteem, and am not immediately falling for anyone who winks at me, calls me sweetheart, or shows me kindness. I am able to take a step back and watch. I am content being single. I would like to be in a loving relationship, but would rather be single, then in another sick pair.

I have a long way to go, but am very grateful for this program.

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© Love Addicts Anonymous, 2004