probably been a love addict since my childhood. Since I've been
working the LAA program, I've had the opportunity to look back
at my past relationships and see that I was addicted to all of
them in one way or another. Today I'm not in a "love"
relationship, I'm working on changing me, my core issues, so that
if my Higher Power chooses to allow me to have another relationship
I will be healthy. I'm getting healthier. . . but it has taken
a lot of work to get there.
had been several months since K and I had broken up. It was my
first relationship after my divorce. I had several years in another
program and thought I was ready for another love. I gave myself
totally to him, he told me he loved me, that he was super committed,
and that I was beautiful. All those words melted my heart, and
I opened myself up. I'll give more detail on that later, but after
a while, he got bored and let me go. I was absolutely devasted.
I tried All I could think of to get over it. Every day, every
minute I was thinking about K. I told my OA sponsor that I was
thinking about him like this. She said, R..., this is not love,
this is obessession. Of course I was angered, but that moment
had me break down, streams of tears came down my cheeks, I got
on my knees, and admitted that I didn't know how to love and that's
when I got here.
first love was M. It was a jr. high relationship. I wanted to
kiss, he didn't. I couldn't figure out why he didn't want to kiss.
. . years later I found out he was gay. But even after we broke
up and I was only 15 years old, I fantasized that we would get
back together. I thought of him all the time. It took months for
me to get over, and I was only 15.
came another M. He and I met in a theater group. He was nothing
like me, however showe me affection. Almost anyone who showed
me affection had me fall in love with them. M got a part in a
movie and went to London England to film. We had a long distance
phone relationship, and while he was there, decided he wasn't
ready for a serious relationship. I was devasted again, and couldn't
get over it.
came W. W asked me to be his women only after one date. I accepted.
Soon he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. Instead of
getting devasted, I broke up with him to protect myself.
came V. V and I married. We had nothing in common. He as a fantasy
for me, and made me feel important. I was rich girl, he was poor,
bad boy and it was just like the movies. . . sort of. He told
me all I wanted to hear, but needed a green card to live legally
here in the U.S. Afraid of being alone, I married him. It lasted
17 years, but I had three afairs in the midst. I even temporarily
left V for a married man, thinking the married man would leave
his wife and make me his own. That never happened. V and I had
three kids. After our youngest turned 5, addictions took over
and we divorced. Very painful.
came J. J showed up at my door wanting to know if his daughter
could have my daughter spend the night over at his house so she
would have a friend to play with. He mentioned that he was a widower
and I thought, single. Go for it. And I invited him to a valentines
party. He called me a few hours before the party and cancelled
on me. Once in a while he would call or take me out, but he was
more interested in my daughters than me....he may have molested
one of them. She doesn't remember, as he spiked the punch at a
party and my daughter woke up, confused. It has taken a year of
therapy for her to work through it. I was "drunk" on
him, and couldn't see the warning signs.
was K. The most painful break up I endured. It was our break up
that led me here, and I started seeing my part, and why I am addicted
learned here that I am not alone. I started writing on the steps.
I got into step 4 and learned so much about my part. I didn't
get the emotional support I needed from a man growing up. My dad
is an alcoholic, and very logical. I needed love and hugs and
talks. While my dad provided physical needs, he was incapbable
of giving emotional needs. I searched for them in men. I never
learned about compatibility. I watched movies, and Hollywood educated
me on how relationships work. I had and still have a lot of changes
to make. I picked up a sponsor here. She gets me. We talk about
once a week and talk about life, self esteem, and very intimate
I am much healthier. I have done a lot of work on my self esteem,
and am not immediately falling for anyone who winks at me, calls
me sweetheart, or shows me kindness. I am able to take a step
back and watch. I am content being single. I would like to be
in a loving relationship, but would rather be single, then in
another sick pair.
have a long way to go, but am very grateful for this program.
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