my dear old and new friends:
just wanted to share a little bit about the last 365 days I've
been on this earth here with you.
365 days ago today I came to this site shattered. That's not an
exaggeration. I was absolutely out of my mind in fear and panic...completely
saturated in pain. I don't think I could have hurt any more than
I was hurting. I'm not sure at that point I was feeling anything
but the adrenaline rushes raging through my body. I had no tools
to fight what was happening to me. I had no name for what was
going on inside of me. I just knew that no one in the world could
have physically hurt more than I did then and lived to tell their
story. I was sure the pain would kill me. I thought I was going
to die from this.
when I knew that this wasn’t going to go away on its own.
I didn’t sleep for days and when I did I’d be grateful
for mere minutes of rest. I’d always wake up in the same
way. I’d sit straight up from my pillow gasping for breath.
I wouldn’t eat for days other than sips of broth. It felt
like I had consumed a Thanksgiving meal all by myself just after
a sip of broth. My weight was down to nothing. I had no thoughts
of eating, infact, it made me nauseous just to eat or smell food.
This went on for months. I was an absolute mess of a woman and
I had no idea how to change what was happening to me.
story, some of you may know, but it's not the story that started
this madness that is important. What is important is, especially
for the newcomers, I was right where you sit today. I was reaching
for anything that could numb this pain. I don't have issues with
alcohol or drugs so turning to them wouldn't have done me any
good. Although, back then I might have tried anything to alleviate
my pain even for 5 minutes.
need you to believe me when I tell you that if you stay here on
these boards getting all this emotional junk out from your thoughts,
if you go to therapy, if you read those books, if you share with
us here…I will promise you that you will be better. It’s
not just getting over the hump of this sadness. That may or may
not happen with time. What you need to focus on is healing for
the rest of your life. Don’t do it for right now or tomorrow
or to get over this awful, painful moment in time, but do it for
the rest of your days on this planet. Most of us are going to
live a long, long time. Ask yourself how healthy do you want to
feel for the rest of your days you have left?
you have a goal of emotional health it will bring into your life
so much more than you can imagine. You will find yourself actually
liking who you are, enjoying your own company, staying away from
things that are toxic, protecting your heart because you only
have one, loving more powerfully and in a tremendously real way.
friends will change along with you because they see what you have
inside now and they are attracted to who you are becoming. Your
taste and tolerance for new people in your life becomes more refined
and attracts healthy available people who will provide reciprocal
love either romantically or in friendship.
will begin to want a purpose and a reason to be alive more than
attaching yourself onto another person. You will begin to provide
yourself with the love you once lacked.
is scary and it often makes us run to what we already know…but,
when we run back we cannot move forward. Look forward and go.
Keep walking. It’s only scary until you realize, it isn’t
scary at all. It’s like going from a tormented hell into
a forgiving, unlimited, loving heaven. The journey is your life.
You make choices that will effect your future every second. How
do you want your future to look…close your eyes and visualize
what your future is going to be. How do suppose you’ll get
there. Changing your current thoughts and behaviors and actions
are the only ways.
wrapping up 365 days…I’m glad I found this site. I’m
glad I had the courage to post. I’m glad there were people
out there offering to hold my hand in the darkest hours and I’m
glad I stayed here to keep up with my path, my journey, which
seems to be helping others in the same place I once sat.
not over for me. I’m not fully healed. I do know that I’m
enormously better than I was. It took 365 days of determination,
dedication and the most important thing to me was fear that I
could ever feel this badly again one second of my life. Believe
me, that was a huge motivator for me. I hope it is for you as
looking forward to the next 365 days now…bring it on! I
feel ready. Please make a dedication to the rest of your life.
You are worth it. You will begin to believe and feel it. Keep