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Love Addicts Anonymous


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Hello my dear old and new friends:

I just wanted to share a little bit about the last 365 days I've been on this earth here with you.

Exactly 365 days ago today I came to this site shattered. That's not an exaggeration. I was absolutely out of my mind in fear and panic...completely saturated in pain. I don't think I could have hurt any more than I was hurting. I'm not sure at that point I was feeling anything but the adrenaline rushes raging through my body. I had no tools to fight what was happening to me. I had no name for what was going on inside of me. I just knew that no one in the world could have physically hurt more than I did then and lived to tell their story. I was sure the pain would kill me. I thought I was going to die from this.

That’s when I knew that this wasn’t going to go away on its own. I didn’t sleep for days and when I did I’d be grateful for mere minutes of rest. I’d always wake up in the same way. I’d sit straight up from my pillow gasping for breath. I wouldn’t eat for days other than sips of broth. It felt like I had consumed a Thanksgiving meal all by myself just after a sip of broth. My weight was down to nothing. I had no thoughts of eating, infact, it made me nauseous just to eat or smell food. This went on for months. I was an absolute mess of a woman and I had no idea how to change what was happening to me.

My story, some of you may know, but it's not the story that started this madness that is important. What is important is, especially for the newcomers, I was right where you sit today. I was reaching for anything that could numb this pain. I don't have issues with alcohol or drugs so turning to them wouldn't have done me any good. Although, back then I might have tried anything to alleviate my pain even for 5 minutes.

I need you to believe me when I tell you that if you stay here on these boards getting all this emotional junk out from your thoughts, if you go to therapy, if you read those books, if you share with us here…I will promise you that you will be better. It’s not just getting over the hump of this sadness. That may or may not happen with time. What you need to focus on is healing for the rest of your life. Don’t do it for right now or tomorrow or to get over this awful, painful moment in time, but do it for the rest of your days on this planet. Most of us are going to live a long, long time. Ask yourself how healthy do you want to feel for the rest of your days you have left?

When you have a goal of emotional health it will bring into your life so much more than you can imagine. You will find yourself actually liking who you are, enjoying your own company, staying away from things that are toxic, protecting your heart because you only have one, loving more powerfully and in a tremendously real way.

Your friends will change along with you because they see what you have inside now and they are attracted to who you are becoming. Your taste and tolerance for new people in your life becomes more refined and attracts healthy available people who will provide reciprocal love either romantically or in friendship.

You will begin to want a purpose and a reason to be alive more than attaching yourself onto another person. You will begin to provide yourself with the love you once lacked.

Change is scary and it often makes us run to what we already know…but, when we run back we cannot move forward. Look forward and go. Keep walking. It’s only scary until you realize, it isn’t scary at all. It’s like going from a tormented hell into a forgiving, unlimited, loving heaven. The journey is your life. You make choices that will effect your future every second. How do you want your future to look…close your eyes and visualize what your future is going to be. How do suppose you’ll get there. Changing your current thoughts and behaviors and actions are the only ways.

So, wrapping up 365 days…I’m glad I found this site. I’m glad I had the courage to post. I’m glad there were people out there offering to hold my hand in the darkest hours and I’m glad I stayed here to keep up with my path, my journey, which seems to be helping others in the same place I once sat.

It’s not over for me. I’m not fully healed. I do know that I’m enormously better than I was. It took 365 days of determination, dedication and the most important thing to me was fear that I could ever feel this badly again one second of my life. Believe me, that was a huge motivator for me. I hope it is for you as well.

I’m looking forward to the next 365 days now…bring it on! I feel ready. Please make a dedication to the rest of your life. You are worth it. You will begin to believe and feel it. Keep walking….

Loving Gracefully
LAA Member
February 2009

 

 

© Love Addicts Anonymous, 2004